you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
