I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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