Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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