pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
