Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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