I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
