My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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