I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
