Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
