hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
