Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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