I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize