Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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