when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
