my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
