Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
