me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
