Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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