What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
