Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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