Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
