Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
