He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
