My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
