So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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