I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He passed out mid-signature
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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