Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
