Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
