Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
