Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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