who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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