I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize