Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
