You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
