glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
