The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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