I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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