Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The adults are the big ones right?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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