So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
