She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
