What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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