Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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