the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Banned from zoo.
Again?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
In America we eat man semen.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
