i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
