fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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