We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i've created a new STD.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize