i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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