I think I won the penis lottery.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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