i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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