i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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