During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
