I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I pour the whiskey from now on
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
