3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
