Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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