Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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