It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
