I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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