I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize