I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
