I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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