I think im going to throw up on grandma
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
