I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
