i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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