he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
