So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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