I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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